Always Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth

I have been away for a long time. We got rid of home internet for a while< and when we finally crawled our way back out of the 16th century I have been really busy. I have had a lot of work to do< my normal job has had a lot of overtime lately, and when I haven’t been working I have just wanted some quality time with the family.

Things have been going great around here though. We found out recently that Rose is well ahead of the curve when it comes to reading, math, and problem solving. It is the problem solving part i figured I would talk about today. A few months back we started potty training, and it started off great! We figured that she was going to breeze through this milestone as she had others, and in her own i’m gonna do things my fucking way no matter what y’all think way she did.

She would tell us when she needed to potty and then she would go no fuss. Number two was a little more tricky. She wouldn’t go and us asking seemed to just offend ever fiber of her being. Then one night, Natalie and I were sitting in the living room watching some t.v.. We heard the door open and Insidious our sweet daughter walked in buck naked. She then outstretched her little hand as if to make an offering and said, “here daddy, here”. You can guess what she was holding, no? oh, well I’ll let you in then. She was holding a turd. This happened a few nights in a row dubbing her The Shit Giver. We didn’t know what to do. We tried everything. Including naked dancing and sacrificing a chicken some off the wall tactics. Finally we got her to stop taking her pull up off. luckily the past week she has told us when she needs to go every time she needs to, and we haven’t had to ask her. Hopefully she has it under control.

I am going to try to keep up with the blog, but i make no promises

here is and update on what Rose looks like now.

.

Rock Beats Everything

Sundays are MB’s day to sleep in.  So I was up with Rose at 6:30 this morning. It wasn’t enough that I was up, but she had a diaper that could have been used in chemical warfare. I “being the awesome dad that I am” didn’t bat an eyelash. I went right in and got her cleaned up, before breakfast.

She woke up from her nap a few minutes ago and Mb went in to get here. She had another poopy diaper which she changed….I am not kidding, ten minutes later we are all sitting on the bed, ands she has another one.

DG: I have already changed her once today.

MB: (shakes head)So have I

DG:(holds up fist for rock paper scissors)

MB:two outta three?

DG: nope just the one time

one,two, three match…

DG: ROCK!

MB: PAPER!

DG: (stares blankly)

MB: HA! see ya sucker

DG: what? rock flies right through paper…

MB:huh? No paper covers rock

DG: that’s stupid what  does that do….rock beats paper.

MB: then what beats rock

DG: nothing beats rock

MB: (stares blankly) you are a cheater

DG: it is not my fault your game is flawed…

 

It is possible that I faked ignorance in order to get out of it….Next time we will settle it with a wrestling match.

You what?

So there I was, sitting in the living room reading comic books literature. My wife was gone for the night, she likes  to sing with her chorus on Tuesday nights. I had been reading for less than five minutes when SHE walked into the room. I didn’t hear a door open, or her footsteps. It was as if she just appeared out of thin fucking air. She had fox in one hand and a sippie cup full of milk in the other.

She was wearing her favorite pj’s and her curls were still drying from her bath. She stood there with a coy smile full of cuteness that would make her win a Hobbit look a like contest. We stood there in silence for a moment just looking at each other. That’s when I asked, “what’s up Rosebud?”

It was clear in that second that this dame knew how to play mind games. She stared back at me with a smile, and replied,”I POOP!”

I sat there in silence. I didn’t know if she was serious or not. I have heard that sometimes she gets confused. Mistaking peeing for pooping and what not.

I asked her, “did you pee?”

“I POOP, IIIIII POOP!”, was her only reply. It was clear that some detective work was in order. I already put her night time diaper on and she usually only poops in the morning. Was she playing me? I was on the case. That’s when the smell hit me in the face like a hammer. You didn’t exactly have to be  Sgt. Joe Friday to know something was in those shorts.

I picked her up as she was still grunting and swept her off to her room to get down to business. I opened the diaper to unleash a smell that if you were not a parent you would think came from the deepest darkest circle of hell….No, it was just poo, and I was about to be elbow deep in it.

After having to almost hogtie my daughter to the changing table I managed to clean her up and myself and throw the diaper away. She shut the lid exclaiming, BYE POOP!”

I think it is about time for some potty training.

Yeah I said “potty training”

I think we are all in for an adventure.

You Can’t Take The Sky From Me

Okay I promise I will start posting more often. I am slowly climb up the edge of the world I fell off of. Not a whole lot to write about right now. I am working a lot of over time at work so what time i do have has been spent on the family (and maybe comic books ssshhhh)

We did go down to my friend Viet’s yesterday. He was having a Thriller themed B-Day celebration. My parents watched Rose over night. They have watched her once before over night, but at the time I was working nights…so in the past 17 months Mommy Boots and I have not had an entire night alone. We have had a random dinner or movie (like six times), but never a whole night. We really enjoyed the party. We met a lot of new fun people and look forward to doing it again. However, we also missed her. We missed the bed time routine, and bedtime kisses and snuggles…The night alone was nice too

Rose has a healthy imagination all of a sudden. This is awesome for me because I pride my self on a good imagination. She also may be a bit of a dork (I blame her mother)

She has taken to playing with her mother’s Sigh…okay they’re mine. She has taken to playing with my action figures. Why do I a grown man have action figures? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

She plays with action figures. Particularly The Firefly characters (yeah she is Goram Awesome) By play I don’t mean carry them around. I mean she will sit it the entrance hall for twenty minutes.

She will sit there by herself for twenty minutes making them walk around, and shoot each other. She also mumbles under breath the whole time and makes them talk and laugh with each other…..She may also like Smackin’em….

These are her favorite toys right now. Not barbies, not dolls, not her ponies, or kitchen sets. It is her Firefly characters.

She also likes playing with the Marvel Legends Thing, and Hulk figures…If the geek in you did not allow you to properly appreciate the awesome that is her new talent, then I shall post a video of some baby laughs….Don’t mind me at the end. I did not want MB to film me in my underwear. I figured I would save you all from that.

HERS IS AN EVIL LAUGH!

All You Need Is “Uff”

You know, like the song, but change love to uff and that’s it. Confused? Perhaps I should explain.

I am extremely proud to have taught Rose love. Anytime you look at her and say love, she looks back at you with her beautiful eyes declaring “uff” and pats you on the chest over your heart.

No matter how bad of a day I have had it all disappears when I walk through that door and hear Hi Da!, and as soon as she is in my arms her saying “uff” as she pats my chest or gives me a hug.

 

And then she jams her finger in my ear (I may have taught her the art of the Wet Willie also)  There is never a dull, or love deprived moment here at the Green house. So if you are ever having a bad day, or could just use some cheering up, come on by. Rose has plenty of Uff to spare.

 

 

 

 

This has been your daily dose of cute. The cute was brought to you By Rose, the  letter W, and the man that makes awesome kids.

I Am Back, From Outer Space.

I wasn’t really in outer space, but I have been gone for so long it feels like it.

I assure you that Rose, Mommy Boots, and myself are all doing just fine. I wish I could tell you that we were all off on some crazy caper like hijacking a truck full of raccoon hats and eye patches or something like that, but alas…We are all doing the same ole fun things that we normally do.

Rose is running now, and that is fucking terrifying pretty awesome.

She has also started doing some fun things. For instance when she gets naked for her bath we generally let her run around. Well the last few days she has taken to walking down the hallway smacking here naked thigh and stomping her foot as is she was at some nudest hoedown hootenanny. It of course is not appropriate for my blog. So you do not get any of that.

However, because I have been gone for so long and you all deserve it you get to witness MB getting stuck on the porch, and doing a piss poor Rerun dance to get in…Enjoy.

 

Dialect Vlog with Mommy Boots

Mommy Boots and I decided to do this dialect vlog together. Enjoy!

The Words:
Aluminum, Dunce, Wagon, Carolina, Later, Misery, Told, Brother, Lord, Beer, Homemaker, Vacuum, Washer, Respond

The Questions:
1. What are the locals called where you are from?
2. What do you call the candy you suck on a stick?
3. What goes on top of your “to go cup of soda?”
4. Is tea sweet or unsweet?
5. What is another way of saying someone is “new” to something?
6. What do you call a place that is not anywhere NEAR a city? “out in the….”
7. What do you call people related to you? “they are my…..”
8. What do tell your children to call another adult? Do your children call them by their first name? Last name?
9. Do you know what cheese curds are? if so, do you like them?
10. what is a way to say, “Yes, I agree”?

Link up:

Caskets, Pig Heads, and Heart Attacks

I am an asshole. Really I am. I love to scare my wife to the point where her entire body freezes up. She must enjoy it, because she has stayed with me for seven years. I can give you a few examples.

One night I went to bed while she was up messing around in our office. I woke up after being asleep for a couple of hours and she was still in there. I decided it was after midnight and she would be coming to bed soon. So I walked around the corner to wait. She stayed in there for another twenty minutes. Twenty minutes that i waited patiently and quietly hidden in the dark. (master of my craft says I) Anyways. she shut down the computer and walked through our dark apartment towards our bedroom. She thought she was alone, but little did she know I was walking up behind her without making a noise I simple wrapped my arms around her. She completely froze up and couldn’t speak. (I did kinda feel bad about that one)

Another time I was  working with my brother Tim. Tim designs haunted attractions with his partner. They run Fear Connection. So Tim has many many props at his house. When I was working with him he just got a life size severed pigs head that looks real and is about three feet long. I arranged it that he had my house key, and told Natalie that he was following us home to look something up online. “he doesn’t do computers” So Nat and I stopped for gas and Tim kept going. He went in to our place and put the swine in our closet. He went back out to wait on us as if he hadn’t been inside. As we walked up he handed me the key and we walked inside. As you can guess I got Nat to get me a towel out of the closet and the thing was staring at her. She screamed out and froze to the point where she couldn’t move.

After that my brother bought a casket from a funeral home, and wanted to show it off. As I spoke to him on the phone he explained he would hide in the coffin to scare Natalie. I hung up and acted irritated saying he hasn’t even showered yet and we were going to have to wait on him.  I then said I know it is weird but for her to act like the coffin is cool so he isn’t disappointed. We got there and long story short he had the shower running and she just assumed he was still in it. She opened the casket and he came screaming out of it making her almosdt flip backwards over the couch…..Yeah we are awesome I know.

So today was mothers day. it was a good one I think. We went by my Mom’s to see her for a while. We did some laundry while we were there and I got a great idea. I hid an item in our laundry basket and we went to the Chattanooga Market for a while. Then had some lunch. We headed home and Natalie put Rose to sleep and then went to the bathroom. I was waiting in our other bathroom to hear her open the door, turn on the light, and saw this waiting on her…

I am awesome!

Luck Has A Habbit of Finding Us

Well I got a new job. It is better hours, and way better pay than I had. It came at just the right time and I got very lucky that it was offered. So that is a huge stress relief for me and MB.

There isn’t much more than that to talk about  right now.  I am enjoying my last weekday off for a while. Rose and I have been playing all morning and she just went down for a nap.

She has been  in a fantastic mood today. I mean I generally have the most relaxed easy going daughter in the universe, but today she is exceptionally happy.

She has been saying hi, bye, and blowing kisses to everyone that is within eye shot of her.

She has also turned into the flash when she does something cute and makes it next to immpossible to take a picture of her.

That is of course until you remove her hat…

To anyone that knows the family. You will agree that she has received in her genes of cuteness the Green Stare (her uncle Ryan knows it well)

I know  this is a boring post. There are no mountain  leaping crickets, zombies, or tales of chasing snakes through swamps, but it has been a laid back couple of days.

I hope all are well.

A wise man turns chance into good fortune

It has been a while since my last post. A lot of changes has happened around the Green house.For starters my Rosebud is now running around everywhere…I mean everywhere, my Nana is still holding on and we are expecting the worst pretty much every day, and I am in the middle of a career change.  The job thing is for the best. I was good at the job, but there were a lot of things that I did not like about it, and I had problems with a lot of it. I guess I was just not made for it as a career. I do give thanks to the Gods that it came when it did. It was needed at the time and it served it’s purpose, but life goes on, and the job will stay behind.

Being off of the crazy schedule means I will get more time for these types of events. I will get way more family time and recreation  time. MB and I will get our afternoons together again and things can get back to how they were a little.

Last weekend Mb wanted to go see a movie. So I volunteered to watch our friend’s Daughter and Rose together so they could go see it. My Friend Ryan brought Liam and the fun ensued.

Rose showed off her toys….

Bella took said toys in a fit of glee

Liam walked around with a basket on his head.

Rose was very upset to see them go. The place still looks like a daycare and I am still finding Cheerio’s in places we did not know we had, but I would do it again in a heart beat. It is too much fun watching toddlers interact with each other.