Caskets, Pig Heads, and Heart Attacks

I am an asshole. Really I am. I love to scare my wife to the point where her entire body freezes up. She must enjoy it, because she has stayed with me for seven years. I can give you a few examples.

One night I went to bed while she was up messing around in our office. I woke up after being asleep for a couple of hours and she was still in there. I decided it was after midnight and she would be coming to bed soon. So I walked around the corner to wait. She stayed in there for another twenty minutes. Twenty minutes that i waited patiently and quietly hidden in the dark. (master of my craft says I) Anyways. she shut down the computer and walked through our dark apartment towards our bedroom. She thought she was alone, but little did she know I was walking up behind her without making a noise I simple wrapped my arms around her. She completely froze up and couldn’t speak. (I did kinda feel bad about that one)

Another time I was  working with my brother Tim. Tim designs haunted attractions with his partner. They run Fear Connection. So Tim has many many props at his house. When I was working with him he just got a life size severed pigs head that looks real and is about three feet long. I arranged it that he had my house key, and told Natalie that he was following us home to look something up online. “he doesn’t do computers” So Nat and I stopped for gas and Tim kept going. He went in to our place and put the swine in our closet. He went back out to wait on us as if he hadn’t been inside. As we walked up he handed me the key and we walked inside. As you can guess I got Nat to get me a towel out of the closet and the thing was staring at her. She screamed out and froze to the point where she couldn’t move.

After that my brother bought a casket from a funeral home, and wanted to show it off. As I spoke to him on the phone he explained he would hide in the coffin to scare Natalie. I hung up and acted irritated saying he hasn’t even showered yet and we were going to have to wait on him.  I then said I know it is weird but for her to act like the coffin is cool so he isn’t disappointed. We got there and long story short he had the shower running and she just assumed he was still in it. She opened the casket and he came screaming out of it making her almosdt flip backwards over the couch…..Yeah we are awesome I know.

So today was mothers day. it was a good one I think. We went by my Mom’s to see her for a while. We did some laundry while we were there and I got a great idea. I hid an item in our laundry basket and we went to the Chattanooga Market for a while. Then had some lunch. We headed home and Natalie put Rose to sleep and then went to the bathroom. I was waiting in our other bathroom to hear her open the door, turn on the light, and saw this waiting on her…

I am awesome!

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Luck Has A Habbit of Finding Us

Well I got a new job. It is better hours, and way better pay than I had. It came at just the right time and I got very lucky that it was offered. So that is a huge stress relief for me and MB.

There isn’t much more than that to talk about  right now.  I am enjoying my last weekday off for a while. Rose and I have been playing all morning and she just went down for a nap.

She has been  in a fantastic mood today. I mean I generally have the most relaxed easy going daughter in the universe, but today she is exceptionally happy.

She has been saying hi, bye, and blowing kisses to everyone that is within eye shot of her.

She has also turned into the flash when she does something cute and makes it next to immpossible to take a picture of her.

That is of course until you remove her hat…

To anyone that knows the family. You will agree that she has received in her genes of cuteness the Green Stare (her uncle Ryan knows it well)

I know  this is a boring post. There are no mountain  leaping crickets, zombies, or tales of chasing snakes through swamps, but it has been a laid back couple of days.

I hope all are well.

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A wise man turns chance into good fortune

It has been a while since my last post. A lot of changes has happened around the Green house.For starters my Rosebud is now running around everywhere…I mean everywhere, my Nana is still holding on and we are expecting the worst pretty much every day, and I am in the middle of a career change.  The job thing is for the best. I was good at the job, but there were a lot of things that I did not like about it, and I had problems with a lot of it. I guess I was just not made for it as a career. I do give thanks to the Gods that it came when it did. It was needed at the time and it served it’s purpose, but life goes on, and the job will stay behind.

Being off of the crazy schedule means I will get more time for these types of events. I will get way more family time and recreation  time. MB and I will get our afternoons together again and things can get back to how they were a little.

Last weekend Mb wanted to go see a movie. So I volunteered to watch our friend’s Daughter and Rose together so they could go see it. My Friend Ryan brought Liam and the fun ensued.

Rose showed off her toys….

Bella took said toys in a fit of glee

Liam walked around with a basket on his head.

Rose was very upset to see them go. The place still looks like a daycare and I am still finding Cheerio’s in places we did not know we had, but I would do it again in a heart beat. It is too much fun watching toddlers interact with each other.

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She Is A Regular Sherlock

I am extremely o.c.d. an organized person. All of my personal items have their home.

I have given up on my dvd organization for obvious reasons. However, my keys have a resting place as soon as I come through the door, my wallet, shoes, ect.

I know where all of my items are, or where they are supposed to be. I am an extremely organized person. That being said, I am terrible at searching for things. If they are not where they are supposed to be then it is obvious that only one person knows where they are. Mommy Boots! She had to move them, because I always put them right here….

I am kind of awesome a pain in the ass that way. It would go a llittle something like this.

I walk into the living room to get my keys.

DG: Lamby Toes have you hidden my keys moved my keys for some reason?

MB: Nope. Have you looked for them?

While standing  in the exact same spot.

DG: Yes. I have looked in the only spot they should be everywhere

You get the idea. MB will come in and help me find them find them for me. You can see how frustrating that could be, and I love her for putting up with my laziness. Well the other day I needed a copy of our marriage license.  It is supposed to be in a blue red folder in the closet where I MB put it.

I went in there to get it while she was at work. I looked on the top shelf for the blue folder, where it was supposed to be, and it wasn’t there. hhhmmm I thought wonder where it is, I thought. Instead of continuing the search I texted MB and asked if she knew where it was. She said she did not, it is supposed to be in the closet, and she would look for it when she got home.

Of course you do not know where it is, you lost it, I thought to my self, and I started searching. I stripped the closet. I looked on the shelf that we keep our bills on, I looked in the front closet, I looked under the couch, I looked in the closet again, I looked under the bed, I looked in the closet again, I think I looked in the fucking refrigerator, I looked in the closet again…

There was only one explanation… MB lost it! I sat there frustrated the rest of the day. When we got home I was tending to Rose and MB told us she was going to look for Eldarado the marriage license. Good luck, I tore that closet apart. It is gone, I told her.

I followed her in there to watch her not find it. She opened the closet door, bent down, picked up a not blue folder red folder, turned around and handed it to me, then asked what we were going to do for dinner as she walked away (probably with a huge smile on her face)…

She is a Goddess among normal women for being able to put up with me. I coulda swore it was a blue folder…

Posted in daddy green, Family, love games, married life, mommy boots | 4 Comments

Dialect Vlog

Pillow, Exhausted, Governor, Entrepreneurial, Calm, Milwaukee Wisconsin, Bagel, ambulance, aqua, femoral, address, rural, hypocrisy
What do you call a store where you buy alcohol?
What do you call it when you blow on a baby’s tummy and make them laugh?
What do you call batting your eyelashes on someone’s cheek?
What is another way of saying, “to deceive,” or “swindle?”
What is a funny way to say someone is not smart? (one fry short of a happy meal?)
Another name for butt?
What do you call it when you drive through mud. Lots of it, often fast and pray you don’t get stuck?

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The Girl Without Fear

This is My Rosebud (Nellie Rose Green), she is The Girl Without Fear. She dives head first off high objects, explores dark places, chases snakes, and many more heroic deeds. Now we have a lil more to add to her Hero Resume.

We have been going to my Mama and Da’s a lot lately visiting my Nana. Well, today we were playing in their basement when she noticed something hopping in the corner. We thought it may warrant investigating so we went over. That is when we saw her new friend. Here in Tennessee we have a dreadful creature of many’s despair, affectionately named the Camel Cricket, or Cave Crickets.

These little guys get up to the size of a half dollar. They can use their powerful hind legs to jump over a fucking mountain jump about six feet.

So anyways, back to our story. Rose and I walked over and she saw it. Wanting her to not be afraid of harmless insects (like some people we know) I caught it and started explaining what it was. She started blowing it kisses and then she reached out for it. I let her grab it so she could feel it. Then with no hesitation she shoved it in her mouth. I immediately started trying to get it out of her mouth. The problem is these guys fall apart easy. So I am pretty sure that she may have eaten a cricket leg….Possible Daddy Fail.

The Girl Without Fear.

Posted in crickets, daddy green, Family, fearless | 6 Comments

My Lil Hobbit

Rose and I went to my folk’s place today and walked down to the creek I grew up playing on. She had a great time running around. The thing she enjoyed the mkost was chasing a snake we found (the girl without fear) even though I took her far from it, she kept wanting to go back. I am about to post some pics of her.




























We had a wonderful time and I can not wait to take her back.

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