Caskets, Pig Heads, and Heart Attacks

I am an asshole. Really I am. I love to scare my wife to the point where her entire body freezes up. She must enjoy it, because she has stayed with me for seven years. I can give you a few examples.

One night I went to bed while she was up messing around in our office. I woke up after being asleep for a couple of hours and she was still in there. I decided it was after midnight and she would be coming to bed soon. So I walked around the corner to wait. She stayed in there for another twenty minutes. Twenty minutes that i waited patiently and quietly hidden in the dark. (master of my craft says I) Anyways. she shut down the computer and walked through our dark apartment towards our bedroom. She thought she was alone, but little did she know I was walking up behind her without making a noise I simple wrapped my arms around her. She completely froze up and couldn’t speak. (I did kinda feel bad about that one)

Another time I was  working with my brother Tim. Tim designs haunted attractions with his partner. They run Fear Connection. So Tim has many many props at his house. When I was working with him he just got a life size severed pigs head that looks real and is about three feet long. I arranged it that he had my house key, and told Natalie that he was following us home to look something up online. “he doesn’t do computers” So Nat and I stopped for gas and Tim kept going. He went in to our place and put the swine in our closet. He went back out to wait on us as if he hadn’t been inside. As we walked up he handed me the key and we walked inside. As you can guess I got Nat to get me a towel out of the closet and the thing was staring at her. She screamed out and froze to the point where she couldn’t move.

After that my brother bought a casket from a funeral home, and wanted to show it off. As I spoke to him on the phone he explained he would hide in the coffin to scare Natalie. I hung up and acted irritated saying he hasn’t even showered yet and we were going to have to wait on him.  I then said I know it is weird but for her to act like the coffin is cool so he isn’t disappointed. We got there and long story short he had the shower running and she just assumed he was still in it. She opened the casket and he came screaming out of it making her almosdt flip backwards over the couch…..Yeah we are awesome I know.

So today was mothers day. it was a good one I think. We went by my Mom’s to see her for a while. We did some laundry while we were there and I got a great idea. I hid an item in our laundry basket and we went to the Chattanooga Market for a while. Then had some lunch. We headed home and Natalie put Rose to sleep and then went to the bathroom. I was waiting in our other bathroom to hear her open the door, turn on the light, and saw this waiting on her…

I am awesome!

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