When You’re Here You’re Family, Except When You Crap Your Pants (Daddy Green’s Side)

Yesterday morning Rose was not feeling well. She had an upset stomach and some vomiting. So Nat and I decided to take her to the doctor. She said that Rose may have had some sort of stomach bug. She looked like the picture of health in every way. So the Doc told us not to be overly concerned, and told us what to keep an eye out for.

We took her home for a nap. When she woke up she was feeling much better. We decided to drive about 30 minutes away to look at a truck I was thinking about buying. From the description the guy gave me about the Bronco I was picturing it to look  something like this.

I know right!?! Isn’t it sexy as hell? A Bronco was my very first car. I loved it. I have had many brand new cars and trucks since then, but I have always missed it.  So needless to say I was very excited about to possibility of finding one that was described in such good condition.

 

We drove there with Rose in the back seat of our car. She was being extremely good, and we both thought the worst was over. We made our way through the back roads of the small town we had drove to. I was waiting for the curvy roads to unveil the beautiful truck that I was about to purchase.

Mommy Boots, This is the parking lot, but I don’t see it.

I saw it…It looked so vile that hell its self would have spat it back up. Something like this…

I was not very pleased and just turned our car around without even speaking with the owner.

We decided to salvage the rest of our day with some lunch at a deli we both enjoy. We drove back to our town about 30 minutes back. We parked in front of the deli and got out of the car.

Mommy Boots: Is our car supposed to be hissing?

Daddy Green: What?

Mommy Boots: The back of our car is hissing.

Car:hhhiiiiiissssssssssssssssssss

Upon closer inspection  I saw our rear tire had a bolt stuck in it. (not a screw….not that it matters)  We drove it over to a Firestone a block away. They said it was going to take about a hour and a half to patch. We decided to all go across the street to Olive Garden for lunch. (All of us being Mommy Boots, Rose and Myself…the firestone employee was not invited)

We sat at our table and Rose was in high spirits drinking from her cup and eating the bread sticks they brought us. As our soup got sat down in front of us I got a scent of something foul coming from Rose. I glanced over at her and she was staring at me with the “oops I crapped my pants father” look on her face. I informed Mommy Boots and she took her off to the women’s bathroom for a changing.

I sat there eating my soup alone for a few minutes. An elderly woman sat at a table next to me and started up pleasant conversation about what I had ordered. Mommy Boots came back and said it wasn’t that bad. We all sat there eating our soup and bread. I glanced at Rose again I saw the “oops I crapped my pants father” look on her face again. I sniffed a few times and felt as though Satan himself was shitting up my nose.

Daddy Green: I think she did it again.

Mommy Boots:What? No she couldn’t have

Rose: *stares blankly*

Mommy Boots started to check her diaper and quickly pulled her hand back as if a nest of hornets were flying from Rose’s butt. I lifted her and saw a bit of poo had come out the top of her pants. Mommy Boots quickly took her to the bathroom.

I sat by myself as my entree was placed in front of me. I started eating it and speaking with the woman next to me.

After what seemed like an hour the hostess came over to me( the last time that happened we were getting  kicked out of a club…that’s a story for another post). She told me Mommy Boots left the whole diaper bag out here and she was going to take it to her.

I continued enjoying my meal alone having a good chin wag wit the waitress. The whole restaurant (my self included) was unaware of the horror that was in the women’s bathroom.

Mommy Boots came back after fifteen minutes and looked stressed. Her soup was cold, her salad wilted, and her daughter was acting like nothing just happened in the bathroom. I held Rose and eventually took her to toys r us next door so she could walk around.

Mommy Boots joined us soon after. I smelled something as she walked up and I asked if Rose had Crapped again. She stopped me in the middle of my sentence and said I was smelling the bag of crappy clothes she was carrying, and the crappy clothes that she was wearing, all mixed with a bit of shame.

Our car was fixed after we had to replace two tires…At the end of the day we had no Bronco, but we did have two new tires, and a  bag of shit.

To read how amazing my wife is, and about her terrifying tale in the bathroom go here

Mommy Boots side of the table